At a loss

The thing about being broken is, no matter how hard you try, you can never return something to its original state. Even if you are equipped with the best of adhesives and are quite skilled in the restoration of broken things, the broken past of an object will forever be a scar upon its exterior. Take a cup for example. Let's say you weren't quite awake when you reached for your favorite cup to swallow down that caffeinated fix in the morning. And when you grabbed at it with your not so steady hands and your semi blurry eyes that still carry the haze of a fresh awakening, you missed and knocked it to the floor, shattering your treasured vessel into a thousand pieces. Though you might spend relentless hours piecing together your precious fix-mobile back into a usable form, forever will there remain the reminder of your tragic mistake. You might restore the cup back into the correct shape and even redeem its purpose to you, but the scars will be written upon its surface for as long as you possess the cup.

Now don't get me wrong. Scars are cool. They remind us of difficult trials we once faced long after the immediate pain has ceased. They tell again the story of what you endured and remind you of how you overcame the adversity that temporarily altered the semi-perfect flow with which your life operated. But scars never heal. Inside of them is a pain that is always present. In them is a reminder of the sting you endured when you attempted something perhaps you shouldn't have. They tell you that at one point in your life you were desperately broken and that you endured a terrible pain in connection with that brokenness. Like with your cup, you will forever see the cracks that you healed together from the broken pieces of your self. Though you may be put back in the right way and you may be completely usable, you will always be cracked and broken. You will never be whole again.

Tonight I feel like I'm at this place in life. I feel like life has dropped me off the counter after absentmindedly reaching for me to fulfill some purpose. And while it has been methodically working to put the pieces back together, I still feel and see the scars left behind.

Saint Francis and the sow

The bud
stands for all things,
even for those things that don't flower,
for everything flowers, from within, of self-blessing;
though sometimes it is necessary
to reteach a thing its loveliness,
to put a hand on its brow
of the flower
and retell it in words and in touch
it is lovely
until it flowers again form within, of self-blessing;
as Saint Francis
put his hand on the creased forehead
of the sow, and told her in words and in touch
blessings of earth on the sow, and the sow
began remembering all down her thick length,
from the earthen snout all the way
through the fodder and slops to the spiritual curl of
the tail,
from the hard spininess spiked out from the spine
down through the great broken heart
to the sheer blue milken dreaminess spurting and
shuddering
from the fourteen teats into the fourteen mouths sucking
and blowing beneath them"
the long, perfect loveliness of sow.

--Galway Kinnell

Beginnings

So I've been toying with the idea of a writing career for some time. I guess I've never really pursued such because I've had a hard time believing in my capabilities. But a friend in the past few months has pushed me to ignore those insecure thoughts that have held me back. She's taught me that life is obtained in the pursuit. Very rarely are we given what we want. It comes at a price. And though that price may be high at times, it is worth the cost.

She's now on her way to Japan choosing to follow that very same advice. She'll spend the next year and seven months teaching little kids to speak English through an immersion program. She's nervous and saddened at the loss of those she's left behind but her heart is also challenged and excited at the opportunities that lie ahead. And I'm left wondering who will dare push me as hard as she had.

So I've decided to start a blog. This doesn't seem like much. As a matter of fact, it seems like very little. However, it's what I have time for. Books and articles take more attention and effort than I can give. My hope is that I can share my thoughts for anyone or no one so that I might have a venue in which to hopefully hone skills and express thoughts that might be hiding within. If you happen upon this blog, I hope I can offer you something worth reading and maybe a different perspective and something insightful. Thanks for reading.