At a loss

The thing about being broken is, no matter how hard you try, you can never return something to its original state. Even if you are equipped with the best of adhesives and are quite skilled in the restoration of broken things, the broken past of an object will forever be a scar upon its exterior. Take a cup for example. Let's say you weren't quite awake when you reached for your favorite cup to swallow down that caffeinated fix in the morning. And when you grabbed at it with your not so steady hands and your semi blurry eyes that still carry the haze of a fresh awakening, you missed and knocked it to the floor, shattering your treasured vessel into a thousand pieces. Though you might spend relentless hours piecing together your precious fix-mobile back into a usable form, forever will there remain the reminder of your tragic mistake. You might restore the cup back into the correct shape and even redeem its purpose to you, but the scars will be written upon its surface for as long as you possess the cup.

Now don't get me wrong. Scars are cool. They remind us of difficult trials we once faced long after the immediate pain has ceased. They tell again the story of what you endured and remind you of how you overcame the adversity that temporarily altered the semi-perfect flow with which your life operated. But scars never heal. Inside of them is a pain that is always present. In them is a reminder of the sting you endured when you attempted something perhaps you shouldn't have. They tell you that at one point in your life you were desperately broken and that you endured a terrible pain in connection with that brokenness. Like with your cup, you will forever see the cracks that you healed together from the broken pieces of your self. Though you may be put back in the right way and you may be completely usable, you will always be cracked and broken. You will never be whole again.

Tonight I feel like I'm at this place in life. I feel like life has dropped me off the counter after absentmindedly reaching for me to fulfill some purpose. And while it has been methodically working to put the pieces back together, I still feel and see the scars left behind.